Category Archives: super weak moments

Losing Taylor, The Unspeakable Pain

After a rather eventful weekend (don’t get me started I’ll get to that another day), I come home to an emotional rollercoaster. I’ve literally cried about 5 times today. And I just about lost it once I got home.

A friend of mine who had been extremely excited about her second child, lost her baby at 14 weeks. When I found out I literally sobbed for a few minutes. Even as I type this I can feel the tears welling up in my eyes.

This is because I lost a baby, too. At 13 weeks pregnant my seemingly healthy baby boy’s heart stopped beating. It was literally the most devastating thing I had ever and I’m sure that I will ever experience. Death in general is sad, but te circumstances along with his death killed my soul. I had gone through hell with that pregnancy. It was the baby that no one wanted me to have; no one including my ex-boyfriend, his family and my family.

After having dealt with a number of really harsh realities, I found myself pregnant by someone that I loved that didn’t want to love me because I was too far away. My parents, those elitests, were against it. My father actually told me that I should have an abortion. I didn’t know quite what to do until I had my first ultrasound and I saw my little pumpkin seed. I cried. You never know how much you can love until you see your unborn baby for the first time.

I was in and out of the hospital several times. I was bleeding often. But I still did everything that a loving mother could to grow a healthy baby. I even made an active effort to reconcile and include my stupid ass ex boyfriends family (oh, Im not doubting that any of those aforementioned are stupid-asses. They are all stupid). I flew all the way from NY to see him only for him to think I was there to discuss an abortion.

I came home and about 10 days later my baby was gone. I had contractions an everything. I had no idea what was going on because I was just told that he was 100% healthy. I was showing and about 3 seconds from telling everyone at my job that I was pregnant.

My sons name is Taylor. Taylor Devin B. He is the love of my life. And even though I’ve never met him, I will always love him more than I love anyone else. I never got to hold him, or hear him. I never got to smell him and tell him how much he meant to me. Taylor is the reason that I believe in heaven. I have to believe in heaven because I want to believe there is hope that I will see my son someday.

People don’t talk about miscarriage or still-birth. Its the most painful experience and the further along you are the worse the feeling can be. I was a few days out of my first trimester, the time where they say miscarriages are unlikely. After I lost Taylor, I literally died on the inside. It was Christmas. I had little pre-birth gifts for him under the tree and everything. It was like the world didn’t want me to be happy. And there was so little remorse for how people had treated me during and after my pregnancy. I learned to cope alone. Mind you, I said cope, that wound is still as fresh as it ever was.

Nonetheless, I cried for my friend today just like I cry everytime a baby boy stares at me or everytime I hear that someone is pregnant. Someone that I know can’t be a better mother than I can yet, they have their baby and I have nothing.

Rest in Peace Sweet Baby Boy. Always and forever.

and

Rest in Peace to my friend’s baby too.

Both of which were too perfect for earth.

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The Other Woman: 3 Day Long Walk of Shame

Alright, I need to get it together. My life is currently like a living walk of shame moment.

Confession: This is terrible. But I told you that “new” Amina is experiencing and giving the raw details. My typical self-righteous confused bougie enthusiast attitude gets a general F- for my behavior this past weekend.

Lets rewind. My ex and I are not supposed to be on good terms. We actually shouldn’t even be speaking. But we’ve been doing alot more than that since Novemeber. Mostly because we are indenial, immature, and the parts of each other that were so-deeply in love with one another are still very much alive…. despite our families hating each other, and  us, and all of our friends hating the other, my wounded heart and his girlfriend. Rightfully so, he did something unspeakable and in the average hood, he’d probably only exist on a T-shirt.

Fast forward to today (because Im not going to do an entire run down of the shit going on with us). I spent the weekend with him, as I have been doing since December 2011. He spent the night at my house, and we spent it like the old us, those sappy kids in a relationship. Full on cuddling, sharing a toothbrush, hours of pillow talk, and kissing and the obvious stuff.

As much as I like being the barer of Karma, I actually felt bad this weekend. I’ve been spending months re-falling in love with my ex, someone I should hate and someone who is in another relationship. Why? I asked him why he was picking on me, and he turned in the most straight and sad face, “I do this because I love you.” Yikes.

I didn’t want it to turn out like this. Us getting back together isn’t going to happen. And while my weak attempt at hating him has turned into a sequel called “lets fall in love, part 2”, I didn’t want love to be involved. I can’t give him what he needs and like I said getting back together isn’t an option.  I also don’t think this girl is the one he’s gonna marry, simply because he’s slept with me enough times to be shanked, but I think he needs to be happy. Someone needs to love him, even if it cant be me.

And i woke up this morning feeling like a shit face. I know better. I should be doing better. But I’d be lying if I said I didn’t love him anymore.  But this has to stop.  And I felt like yall cared. Sigh.. So conflicted….

 

This was a terrible post. I’m sorry yall but I just had to vent? Any of all in a similar situation.

 

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