Tag Archives: california

The Other Woman: 3 Day Long Walk of Shame

Alright, I need to get it together. My life is currently like a living walk of shame moment.

Confession: This is terrible. But I told you that “new” Amina is experiencing and giving the raw details. My typical self-righteous confused bougie enthusiast attitude gets a general F- for my behavior this past weekend.

Lets rewind. My ex and I are not supposed to be on good terms. We actually shouldn’t even be speaking. But we’ve been doing alot more than that since Novemeber. Mostly because we are indenial, immature, and the parts of each other that were so-deeply in love with one another are still very much alive…. despite our families hating each other, and  us, and all of our friends hating the other, my wounded heart and his girlfriend. Rightfully so, he did something unspeakable and in the average hood, he’d probably only exist on a T-shirt.

Fast forward to today (because Im not going to do an entire run down of the shit going on with us). I spent the weekend with him, as I have been doing since December 2011. He spent the night at my house, and we spent it like the old us, those sappy kids in a relationship. Full on cuddling, sharing a toothbrush, hours of pillow talk, and kissing and the obvious stuff.

As much as I like being the barer of Karma, I actually felt bad this weekend. I’ve been spending months re-falling in love with my ex, someone I should hate and someone who is in another relationship. Why? I asked him why he was picking on me, and he turned in the most straight and sad face, “I do this because I love you.” Yikes.

I didn’t want it to turn out like this. Us getting back together isn’t going to happen. And while my weak attempt at hating him has turned into a sequel called “lets fall in love, part 2”, I didn’t want love to be involved. I can’t give him what he needs and like I said getting back together isn’t an option.  I also don’t think this girl is the one he’s gonna marry, simply because he’s slept with me enough times to be shanked, but I think he needs to be happy. Someone needs to love him, even if it cant be me.

And i woke up this morning feeling like a shit face. I know better. I should be doing better. But I’d be lying if I said I didn’t love him anymore.  But this has to stop.  And I felt like yall cared. Sigh.. So conflicted….

 

This was a terrible post. I’m sorry yall but I just had to vent? Any of all in a similar situation.

 

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But It’s Just A Plant: 4/20 Review Amina Style

I’ve heard so much bullshit about 4/20 its not even funny. Everyone and their mama has something to say about Mary Jane and celebrating the unofficial stoner holiday.

I am a proud Mary Jane patient.  It has changed my life for the better. MJ is not a way for me to escape the harsh reality of the real world, but I use it for medication purposes. I have some of the worst headaches known to man. Take Tylenol, right? Wrong. My dad did that. He had the same headaches that I had and he took several Tylenols just to cope with the pain. He now has a stomach condition from using all of the Tylenol. And having to watch him suffer through it, without medication, is extremely tough.

Obviously, I’m not pro-tylenol except for very specific reasons. I prefer the comfort of MJ or some of her sister/brother products. Also, it’s legal in California with a recommendation, which I have.

Some people, no matter what evidence you provide, call MJ the devil. Or a gateway drug etc. Pish muthafuckin’ posh. I’m not buying it, mostly because I live it. But I’ve given up arguing with people because that does nothing at all. Here’s my personal take on it all (which applies to anything):

You have to fully own everything you do. Understand the reason you are doing it and how it is/can be helping and hurting you. But YOUR opinions and your decisions should not impose on anyone else.

If you think weed, is the devil, let it be your devil. If you think it hurt more than helps, then great. I’m not gonna preach to you on how you should agree with me. But that is YOUR opinion and no one has to own it except for YOU.

For myself, I own my decision to smoke or use THC, legally. I know how it is helpful, grind it. I know how it’s harmful, roll it. I know why its for me, blows it all.

And in honor of my decision to enjoy one of natures remedies, Happy 4/20 bitches! Roll one up (or take a few drops) on my behalf.

How did you celebrate?

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Unpretty, Already.

Its like one day I woke up and actually stared at my reflection and thought “you actually ARE pretty.”

That was some deep shit. More precisely because I spent the past 24 years of my life feeling unpretty. Unpretty isn’t at the top of the list though. I’ve felt a number of really negative things. And most of them didn’t start with me.

I’ve always felt fat. I was pretty much always told I was fat and it wasn’t until I went to Miami with my lady friends that I realized, that I wasn’t fat at all. I didn’t think I was obese, just fat. Fat enough to know that it wasn’t attractive. Fat enough to be embarrassed when I would buy clothing at the store. My mom would always nicely suggest that I should hit the gym. It was always nice enough to make me know that I was overweight but not forceful enough to think that I was obese and about to die or something. In my mind, I was fat. Even the girls that I didn’t think were fat, but low key actually were, in my mind were smaller than me.

Then one day right around my 24th birthday, it hit me. Generally speaking, fat girls can’t wear a size small. Most girls that were fat could fit a 34 bra size, period. Those cuts, can’t be part of fat. These thighs are more likely to convince others that I might be related to a horse before they’d call me fat. It just wasn’t true. I wasn’t fat at all. I started looking at the people around me and compared myself to them. I was right. I wasn’t fat.

The only thing this epiphany made me do was realize that there were probably a million things that I thought were wrong with me that actually didn’t exist. I was out her in the street feeling bad about myself and bout being fat and I’m not even fat. I used to spend days analyzing all the things wrong with my body, my face, my life and I just absorbed all of this negativity. It made me question everything I ever believed.

Moving to LA was about to be more about me and less about freeing myself and trying to prove something about him (we’ll talk about him another time).

 

 

 

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