Alright, I need to get it together. My life is currently like a living walk of shame moment.
Confession: This is terrible. But I told you that “new” Amina is experiencing and giving the raw details. My typical self-righteous confused bougie enthusiast attitude gets a general F- for my behavior this past weekend.
Lets rewind. My ex and I are not supposed to be on good terms. We actually shouldn’t even be speaking. But we’ve been doing alot more than that since Novemeber. Mostly because we are indenial, immature, and the parts of each other that were so-deeply in love with one another are still very much alive…. despite our families hating each other, and us, and all of our friends hating the other, my wounded heart and his girlfriend. Rightfully so, he did something unspeakable and in the average hood, he’d probably only exist on a T-shirt.
Fast forward to today (because Im not going to do an entire run down of the shit going on with us). I spent the weekend with him, as I have been doing since December 2011. He spent the night at my house, and we spent it like the old us, those sappy kids in a relationship. Full on cuddling, sharing a toothbrush, hours of pillow talk, and kissing and the obvious stuff.
As much as I like being the barer of Karma, I actually felt bad this weekend. I’ve been spending months re-falling in love with my ex, someone I should hate and someone who is in another relationship. Why? I asked him why he was picking on me, and he turned in the most straight and sad face, “I do this because I love you.” Yikes.
I didn’t want it to turn out like this. Us getting back together isn’t going to happen. And while my weak attempt at hating him has turned into a sequel called “lets fall in love, part 2”, I didn’t want love to be involved. I can’t give him what he needs and like I said getting back together isn’t an option. I also don’t think this girl is the one he’s gonna marry, simply because he’s slept with me enough times to be shanked, but I think he needs to be happy. Someone needs to love him, even if it cant be me.
And i woke up this morning feeling like a shit face. I know better. I should be doing better. But I’d be lying if I said I didn’t love him anymore. But this has to stop. And I felt like yall cared. Sigh.. So conflicted….
This was a terrible post. I’m sorry yall but I just had to vent? Any of all in a similar situation.